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by Tracey Austin
An American exchange pupil! That was what I was going to be at the world-famous Muir Academy School in England. Not many Americans passed through its portals, I was told. Well, I'd show those Brits a thing or two! We beat 'em in 1776 and I could show them up today!
It's no fun being the ONLY foreigner, so I brought along a friend - someone who had come even FURTHER than the 6,000 miles that I had traveled. Eleanor Falcongreene was from Australia. She is mostly a well-behaved girl (she has a few good points as well).
Our escort was a seasoned Muir pupil, Jane Molyneux. She fetched us in London and drove us to Hereford, where we had our interview with Miss Prim.
It's Jane's fault that I got smacked for trying to cheat on the
Shakespeare test. She didn't tell me that Miss Prim checked hands and nails! Jane watched me write the answers
on my palm and didn't tell me I'd be caught out! My bare backside paid for that one, and then Miss Prim changed
the questions on the test.
I was spanked and paddled for a bunch of things, like not having the top button on my blouse fastened (it was missing entirely) and for wearing a watch that beeped on the hour.
"That's not one of those horrible Pitchacu things, is it?!"
Miss Prim exclaimed when it first went off.
She told me that I would be spanked for that, and every
time it went off I'd be spanked again. (I "forgot" to take it off the next day in class, and she was true
to her word - every time she heard it go off she spanked me. Sometimes she didn't hear,
After the interview, we changed back to "regular" clothes and went to a Wales men's concert that was sooooooooo boring. I had a box of matches in my pocket that I played with, just to have something to do.
Miss Prim noticed and mouthed, "Put those away!"
I thought she might smack me in that church in front of all the
old fogies, so I put them away.
"Tracey likes to play with matches. If you see her with a box or book of matches, confiscate them immediately before disaster strikes."
He wrote OTHER stuff too, like:
He also told her that I cheated on tests. So she already had my number by the time school rolled around the next morning.
I already knew three of my classmates - Eleanor, Jane, and that girly swot Susan Roberts, who wouldn't know how to be bad if her life depended on it.
The night before class I met Clare Dawson, a really nice girl, and Edward Tranter the work experience boy. Just before class I met the other three: Richard Ernest, Howard Moon, and Anita Esrader.
Anita was the WORST behaved girl I had EVER met. She made the rest of us look like angels. The more Miss Prim beat her, the worse she got! She passed out her little MADames badges and got us all in trouble straight away, so I got back at her by swiping her stuff every time she went up for a whacking (which was about every 5 minutes). She got all upset, which was so fun. Eleanor got the best revenge on her by writing wrong answers on Anita's Australian map.
Richard was a sweety. He sat right in front of me and I kept giving him answers, since he was kind of thick. I think he liked me. Howard Moon was the messiest schoolboy I've ever seen. He must have had a really weak bladder 'cause he left the room every hour on the hour. I wonder if he was sneaking out to smoke?????
My doctor, Ima Quack MD, had given me a note to have water in class, saying that I suffered from acute dehydrate-itis without it. It worked so well that after lunch (which was very yummy, by the way) I forged a note to take coffee into the classroom, saying that I suffered from acute caffeine-withdrawal-itis. Miss Prim didn't buy that one. She took my coffee cup away from me and put it back into the kitchen.
I managed to get into quite a bit of trouble (but not as much as Anita!) I got the lowest grade on the European map for which I made up answers, such as "Bumfuck" "To Hell and Gone" and "Middle of Nowhere", so that got me six with the paddle. ("Last in the class, six on the ass," they all chanted.) Miss Prim caught me stealing Anita's things so up I went.
Later in the day during BORING poetry I was playing with my matches, which got me caned hard on my bare bottom. I didn't light them, I protested!!! Miss Prim said that she didn't care.
I also was the first to earn four demerits, which Miss Prim didn't know because she had not marked down two of them, but ANITA had been keeping track and helpfully told her! Anita had made some silly wager about it which Miss Prim said mattered not to her; she didn't pay attention to pupil wagers. I received the standard punishment for being first with four demerits. I cannot remember what it was - probably that leather paddle of hers, which guess what! Doesn't really hurt much. :- )
I landed on defaulters for about 2 million things and was
made to wait until almost the end, which was very awful. We had to sit in the common room and write
boring lines -
I only wrote it out 33 times because I was too busy whispering to the others and drawing pictures, as well as dawdling in the toilet and eavesdropping on the others' punishments.
Susan the Swot had been made prefect and was told to report on us. She wrote me down eleven times for talking.
Miss Prim had threatened to whack me double for each time I got
written down, but she didn't.
In defaulters, you have to stand outside and listen to the person ahead of you getting it behind the closed classroom door. I was to be right after that horrible Anita, who was being half killed by Miss Prim. Hearing Anita shriek made my blood run cold - Anita of the bionic bottom shrieking was NOT a good sign. I heard Miss Prim tell her that she was getting the dragon cane. I had never gotten the dragon cane and that actually frightened me!
Then the door open and Anita stumbled out, looking chastened for a moment, and I was ushered inside.
Susan duly reported that I had blatantly broken every rule during detention. Miss Prim frowned and thanked Susan, and then we were alone.
She sent me to the corner, hands on head, and made me stand there for a while. Then she had me turn around and blasted me for my terrible behavior and attitude.
"Yes Ma'am, sorry Ma'am," I mumbled as contritely as I could. Then it was time to pay the piper!
Over her knee I went for a spanking, then the paddle, then the tawse, and finally the cane (but not the dragon - not this time, although I did get to experience it the next day and had a sore backside all the way to York!)
I was sorry that the day was over. Having to say good-bye to my
new friends was so sad. I hope that some day I will come back!
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